I met a couple friends for a workout the other day. Afterward, one friend had to rush off to work. The other wanted to grab a coffee and chat a few.
I love these ladies, not just because they’re bundles of positive, bubbly energy, but because they’re real women who push me to be better. There is mutual support and encouragement, and I appreciate those relationships so much, especially as I get older and have little patience for the superficial.
One thing you should know about the three of us is that we are driven. In other words, we’re harder on ourselves than we should be. We demand a lot from ourselves but are very quick to encourage the others to lighten up and take a rest from time to time. We’re all learning that rest/work balance together.
Since 2020 has been its own monster, our coffee date consisted of placing a mobile order and sitting in our cars with the windows rolled down since dining (or drinking) indoors wasn’t an option.
My friend said she was thinking of getting rid of her Apple watch because she found she was borderline obsessed with meeting her activity goals every single day. “It’s a little out of control,” she said.
“I get it. I wear my Garmin 24/7. I’m disappointed in myself if I don’t get my 12,000 steps per day.” It’s true. Even if it’s a “rest” day, I usually find a way to get those steps in before bed.
“Or if I track my runs, I’m too concerned about my pace to enjoy being outside.” She said it, but either of us could have.
“Why are we like this?” Ah, we’ve asked this question many times.
I thought about the days of old, the ones before Apple watches and activity trackers came into my life. I thought of the college days when my pink flip phone took crappy pictures and I had to hit the 7 button four times to type an S when sending a text. I trained for half and full marathons like this and had no idea what my pace was during these long runs. I just made a route ahead of time so I knew I’d gone the distance and didn’t worry so much about pace. It was about the experience, not the competition with a watch.
Even when we work out we’re hollering to each other on the treadmill the whole time. “We can take it up a little bit more. Come on. Just do it!” Someone will call the other a b#@!h at some point for pushing the pace and then we’ll tell the other we appreciated the push when it’s over.
Sure, there’s a time and a place to be concerned about pace, but for us it’s all the time. Every time.
“We should meet up for a run, ditch our watches, and just have fun for once.” My friend is wise.
“We should.”
And we will. The group text after the fact consisted of tentative plans.
I think I need that shift in focus from time to time, allowing myself to enjoy being healthy and being able to go for a run in the first place.
I know everyone is talking about how weird this year has been. It’s been a forced pause for me, that shift in focus my workouts need as the year nears an end. I’ve realized more about myself than just my driven fitness mentality.
I realized my early 2020 pursuits aren’t entirely what I want long term. I’m realizing that more and more as the early-2020 pursuits continue to crash and burn due to the pandemic.
I uttered the most honest words I’ve spoken all year the other day.
“I want Agent Innocent to be over.”
I’m recording the audiobook right now, and it’s excruciating. I’ve grown and learned from those experiences over the last few years, but I’m tired of reliving it. I want to let it go once the audiobook is done.
Also, I’m not sure I always wanted to be a motivational speaker for the right reasons. I got stars in my eyes for big speaking fees and a chance to be my own boss rather than deal with people who don’t really care about me or respect my time. There’s nothing wrong with any of that, but the shy introvert in me just saw it as a means to make a living and something I would have to “suck it up” and do as often as possible.
Those speaking gigs were cancelled one after the other all year.
I feel terrible even saying it, but there was a part of me that was relieved.
Don’t get me wrong. I have had some meaningful conversations with attendees after speaking gigs. I want to help people by sharing my story. I want to prompt the tough questions they might need to ask themselves as I shared how I was forced to address my own demons.
I think that by pausing and admitting my relief and being honest about my feelings, I’m realizing my message likely needs tweaking.
It is not healthy for me to retell my story up until 2016 over and over again as if that’s where it ends. I keep going back there, and every time I tell the story, I spend at least two days feeling really depressed. Admitting and recognizing that reality is hard.
My story is not just the one in Agent Innocent that ends in 2016-2017ish, the one I’m still sharing in 2020. There’s more to it now. There’s a new story pending and it involves protecting myself inside and out better than I did before.
Perhaps I’m still stuck in the mindset that I need to keep talking about the Secret Service because that’s the only thing interesting about me that can get people’s attention so I can share a meaningful message. Special Agent Melanie Lentz is exciting to people. Melanie Lentz, author and fitness pro, doesn’t have the same ring to it, I guess.
I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. I didn’t like who Special Agent Melanie Lentz became even though that girl accomplished a lot on her way to self-destruction (or growing up a lot).
I wrote Agent Innocent because I needed to write it. Some people have read it. Most people have not. But it’s out there, and I’d like to think there are others still that could benefit from my story and be positively motivated by it. I never set out to be a memoirist. I always wanted to write stories, use my imagination, and create page-turning and engaging fictional characters for the reader to fall in love with. In the same breath I’m equally as passionate about health and wellness and finding a sustainable and balanced lifestyle (one semi-dysfunctional 12,000-step day at a time).
I can’t tell you how relieved I am to have this clarity in my identity. It feels wrong to write some of the things I’ve written here, but just admitting it to loved ones the other day has brought so much more peace about what my message is today.
I’m excited about my writing and fitness future. I realize my target audience is really high school and college girls rather than mostly men and women my own age or older. I think I know where I need to tweak my message, and that will help future speaking gigs become less taxing on me emotionally after the fact. Perhaps I need to protect myself from, well, myself and get out of my own way. I’m working on that right now. I’m seeing how my writing and fitness passions have opportunities to merge and connect as well.
I’m grateful for Agent Innocent. So grateful. But, Agent Innocent, it’s time to move forward.
I’m hoping a few Garmin-free jogs at an unknown pace will result in a healthier ME because one step in the right direction is better than 12,000 steps a day in denial.
(And shout out to the friend who prompted this blog post. You know who you are.)
Embracing the typos until next Monday,
Mel