Last week, I was searching for an email to prepare for a podcast interview. The keyword search produced a handful of emails, one of which had the subject line “myspace blog posts” and myself as the sender/recipient.
Apparently, a few years back (or eleven), I copied all of my old MySpace blogs from college into an email (probably before I deleted everything on MySpace). I don’t remember sending this email, nor do I remember writing any of the posts.
As I read through them, I realized I’ve matured a lot since then, but I also realized I might need to revisit some of the “wisdom” my young adult mind was spouting on MySpace.
I guess I’ve been blogging badly longer than I thought.
For the next few weeks, I’ll be sharing some of these old blogs (gulp!). I had a lot to learn back then, but maybe I should remember what I was learning back then, too. This was the time in my life where I applied to the Secret Service, a job I was entirely unqualified for yet applied anyway. Deep down in there, I was starting to overcome a lot of fear.
This week, I’m sharing one I called The Big Picture. The email does not give the date it was originally posted, but I know it was written during graduate school when I was working two jobs and commuting to Riverside for night classes.
This particular blog seems fitting considering my frustration and fatigue levels for the last week have been pretty high. I’m not sleeping well, and the daily hustle is real. I love being my own boss, but it’s a lot more work that just showing up for a shift. Right now, I know I’m doing what’s best for me, and I’m mature enough to trust my gut and do the work.
I admit, sometimes it’s hard to see the good in a long tough day when the To-Do list stays long, and the days seem to stay too short. This is not the first (or last) time I’ll feel this way.
Without further ado, here is The Big Picture by the Melanie Lentz of approx. 14-15 years ago:
*Client names have been changed
The Big Picture
Current mood:tired and contemplative
I could view today in one of two ways: pessimistically or reflectively. The tired, pessimistic version would go something like this:
I woke up to my blaring alarm at 5am after a restless night of little or no quality sleep. I arrived at work a few minutes before 6am and began my shift right on time. I ran around the gym training ladies, taking blood pressures, conducting weigh-ins, performing body fat percentage tests, analyzing the data from the study, etc. I got off work at 10am and proceeded to drive to Spring Valley Lake to swim and give two lessons. On the way there a friend from school had a crisis, and I listened intently but felt totally lost because I had no idea what kind of advice to give him. Then I got in the pool (feeling like a terrible friend) and starting swimming and felt depressed at how slow I was considering less than a year ago I was swimming at the NAIA Nationals. Mrs. S came and I gave her a lesson. She still wouldn't put her face in the water, and her death grip on my hands darn hear crushed my fingers when we were practicing. By this time I was freezing and kept swimming until my second lesson. Then I scarfed an apple and rushed back to work for my second shift. They'd overbooked and everyone was scrambling to get everyone's paperwork in order. I'm tired, my throat is still swollen, and I feel like crap. At one point I had five workouts going on at the same time, two of which who needed rep counts and one brand new person who needed to be shown everything. Then some lady yelled at me for something I didn't do and I fought to keep my smile screwed in place. Finally we closed and, of course, I got nominated to vacuum and disinfect . . . again. Actually, I lost a rock paper scissors game. Then I headed home and realized that my homework load for next week is going to keep me from doing any thing but sit in front of the computer all weekend trying to make charts and cash flow sheets about a topic I know virtually nothing about.
And then I took a deep breath, ate some dinner (since my stomach had already begun to eat itself at 5pm) and took a shower. Now I am sitting at my computer, homework at hand, and I realize how utterly selfish the above ramblings sound. Today was not bad. In fact, today was a good day. Miss L was so excited because she got the results she wanted in the study. Her excitement was a great way to start a morning and end a week of sheer hell. I got to be involved in a pretty detailed research study. I have always been interested in health and fitness as well as the current research associated with it. So this opportunity is nothing to complain about.
Friends with crises are always hard to deal with. I always struggle with finding the right words or knowing the right path to take in the person's crisis. But I listen and I feel for the individual, offering what little advice I can give while hoping I haven't screwed something up. I love knowing that my friends know I'll be there if they need me. I haven't exactly been the best of friends lately since my life is crazy and I don't live by most of my closest friends. Keeping in touch is hard. But I love them all dearly and cherish each moment and conversation.
Mrs. S has improved so much in the water. She's not swimming on her own yet, but she's trying and we laughed and talked while we practiced today. She trusts me to hang on to her, and she knows I won't let anything happen to her and that I don't judge her for being afraid of the water. She's a tiny woman will little muscle tone, and she fatigues quickly. Today I wasn't impatient. In fact, we both had a lot of fun. My other lesson with Mr. G went as usual. Mr. G is disabled and struggles with each stroke. But he has a passion for life that is contagious. He looks forward to swimming and soaks up every tidbit of advice and instruction I give him. He's a joy to be around.
Let's face it. I'm never going to be a fast swimmer again. The speedo tan line is still there, but the speed is not. I'm getting older and must realize my worth is not based on my performance in any sport or academia. That's just something I have to come to terms with.
And lastly, vacuuming isn't so bad. The noise drowns out the chaos and allows me to think. I don't have to talk when I'm vacuuming.
While today initially seemed to be more than I could handle, it was overflowing with rewarding and joyful situations. I have no reason to whine and no reason to be discontent with my present situation. I am thankful for so many precious moments in my chaotic and crammed day.