I am a lists person. Most rooms in the house have a stack of post-it notes and a sharpie within arm’s reach. Lists make me feel like I can finish something. They give me a sense of accomplishment.
Do any of you write something on a to-do list AFTER you’ve completed the task just to feel the satisfaction of crossing it off the list? (Asking for a friend.)
In keeping with my list fetish, this week I’m making another one because it’s been a “Monday” sort of Monday thus far and I’d like to finish something (even if it’s a short list-y blog).
Five Things 2020 has Taught Me About Myself Thus Far
(This is not an all-inclusive list, but I have other things on my to-do list today, so I’ll keep it brief in order to check “blog” off the list.)
1. I don’t like when people don’t listen to me.
People want to be heard, and the loudest voices aren’t always the ones people should be hearing. Current events would suggest that some voices need to be quieter to allow for the unheard to be heard. There’s that saying from the movie Dirty Dancing that goes “Nobody puts Baby in a corner.” We’re not supposed to let people silence us or put us in a corner, but it’s also good virtue to know when it’s time to be quiet so others can be heard.
Being ignored, however, is not fun. I get bent out of shape when people don’t listen to me at work or in my daily life. On a grander scale, this is “first world problems,” as they say. I had to learn “command presence” at one point in my life, and that is exactly what it sounds like: command the attention of those around you. I learned to command attention by yelling and raising my voice, both in my personal and professional life. Sometimes it was warranted. Other times I was out of line.
I find that speaking up is probably not my bigger problem. My bigger problem is telling people to shut up. Be quiet, world. I have something to say. Maybe it goes beyond that. I wonder if I have something worthwhile to say, so I hesitate to speak. Clearly, this item on my list needs more contemplation.
I’ve written recently about knowing there are certain current issues I need to learn more about. I need to listen. Recognizing my own frustrations with feeling ignored at times is just a glimpse of what certain populations have experienced and are still experiencing. Perhaps my role in this is twofold: I need to listen, of course, but I can also encourage and advocate for others to speak up. I can give them my attention without them having commanded it because they deserve to be heard. We all have a story to learn from.
2. I am not always productive with excessive free time.
COVID and quarantine have shown me that free time can be taken for granted. I made a lengthy COVID to-do list when I got laid off, and I started off strong. After a while, I just wanted to go back to work. I just wanted things to get back to my normal busyness. I appreciated the opportunity to catch up on house projects and sleep, but the more time that went by, the more I seemed to waste. I watched my livelihood tumble, and I didn’t know where to go. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve accomplished a good chunk of my list, but I look back now that I’m getting back to work and I don’t see a lot to show for two-ish months of mandated personal reset.
3. I can be an ignorant American just like the rest of them.
I don’t have a cable or television plan at my house. I have streaming services, but when it comes to watching the local morning news or catching up on the latest happenings in my area, I’m pretty clueless unless I’m proactive on social media or the Internet. I didn’t recognize one single person on the June ballots a couple weeks ago. Not one. I had to research all of them. I didn’t just move here. I’ve had some time to learn local politics and educate myself. I (lazily) chose not to. Shame on me.
To borrow the phrase from a good friend…
Do better, Lentz.
4. I don’t like feeling helpless.
My dog, Anja, got scared during a thunderstorm recently and got herself wedged in a gap in the laundry room wall while I was gone. I’m still working on the laundry room, and there was a hole in the wall behind the dryer where the previous owners needed to access some plumbing. Anja got herself stuck in the wall trying to hide, and I couldn’t find her when I got home. Thank God I looked back there and saw her tail and paw (which was stuck). She wasn’t moving, and, and hard as I tried (destroyed a chunk of wall trying to get to her), I couldn’t pull her out. I thought my dog was dead in the wall, and that is an absolutely terrible feeling.
If you’ve read my book, you know I view Anja as my little guardian angel. My first thought when I couldn’t get her to move was that she was there when I needed saving, and I wasn’t able to save her when she needed it.
And then her tail twitched. I could only see her butt and the foot but not her face. I haven’t cried or prayed that hard in a long time. By the middle of the night, Anja was free, but the fire department had to come out to my house to make that happen. I am so grateful to them. She was filthy and had a small cut on her leg, and other than being thirsty, hungry, and exhausted, she was okay.
I hate feeling helpless. I broke my saw blade trying to cut into the wall. I tried to use my own strength to pull apart the wall to get to her, but she was so wedged in there, I made no progress to save my little furry angel. I needed help, and I’m glad I asked for it. I cannot begin to express the relief of having her run to me when the firemen got her out.
(Anja is fully recovered, in case you were wondering. She still hates lightning and thunder, though.)
5. My biggest method of procrastination is rearranging my house.
Last night I started taking photos off the wall to rearrange in a more organized matter. This didn’t need to be done. In fact, I had other things I wanted to do, like working on character profiles for my novel. I’m procrastinating because I’m afraid I’ll be a crap novelist and it’s truly what I want to be good at.
So… friends and family, if you see me rearranging my silverware or folding and refolding my fitted sheets, please, for the love of my novel and personal growth, tell me to do better.
I can do better, and 2020 has shown me that doing better is a choice regardless of circumstances. I can and should do better at what really matters.
Again, DO BETTER LENTZ! ;-)