I DON’T WANT TO LOSE MY VOICE
For the past couple weeks, I’ve been fighting that winter cold that’s been going around. Every time I get a cold, an ear infection inevitably follows. As per usual, I found myself at the doctor’s office with an ear infection and a prescription for antibiotics. I thought I was on the mend until a long couple days at work left me a little hoarse.
I hate losing my voice. It really negatively affects my driving karaoke. I can’t talk in a sing-songy voice to my dogs without squeaking. I can’t yell at the TV when my favorite show (“A Million Little Things”) throws yet another unexpected plot twist into the mix. Any attempts at sounding sultry and sexy give more of a chronic chain smoker vibe than anything.
In my case, resting my voice is really the only way to get it back. And despite being very introverted, I don’t like being silenced.
Something happened at work last week that upset me. The specifics don’t really matter, but I got angry. I knew lashing out wasn’t the answer, but that’s exactly what I wanted to do. I wanted to tell a couple people off. My points would have been valid even though my delivery would have been impulsive and likely received negatively.
Instead I bit my tongue and went about my work day. But I was still mad.
I struggle with knowing when to speak up and when to be quiet and let things go.
Maybe it’s my own doing, but on multiple occasions in my life, I’ve felt that people around me just wanted me to be quiet. There were instances in the Secret Service where my opinion was immediately dismissed because of my age and inexperience. The funny part was that my suggestions sometimes were the solutions they wound up implementing later on anyway. People can be weird like that. They don’t like it when the right answer comes from someone with less experience or supposed wisdom than them. They’d rather you be quiet so they don’t look bad.
Silence is “pleasing” to people who might need to hear some tough truths. Don’t fall into that trap. “Be a good little quiet girl and don’t rock anyone’s boat.” Yeah, no thanks.
Eventually, I got tired of being quiet. Standing up for myself cost me a few friendships (which weren’t real friendships in the first place, a fact I know now). But standing up for myself also earned me some respect. I respected myself more by standing up and speaking up too. Double win.
But… I took it too far sometimes, particularly in my personal life. Pent up frustration has a way of exploding at some point. Looking back, it’s shameful. Looking forward, I don’t want to go back there.
When we’re healthier and happier, I think it’s important to remember what we are capable of when we are neither happy nor healthy. I’ve said many times that my biggest regrets in life were usually due to something I said or did in anger. I’ve surprised myself with my anger. I’ve opened my mouth when I should have kept it shut and cooled off first. How’s the saying go? “Check yourself before you wreck yourself.” I have not always checked myself, and I definitely made a wreck of myself afterward. Many things said in tense moments don’t need to be said in the first place.
Maybe I should have spoken up last week (after cooling off a little). Maybe it wasn’t worth it. That’s where I still struggle. I’ve learned to hit the “pause” button when I’m angry, and that’s served me well. If it’s really an issue, cooling off will allow me to address it more appropriately. But I don’t want to revert to that pleasing girl who let people walk all over her without speaking up.
I’m still working all that out, and I’ve had some forced “quiet” time over the weekend to let my voice heal. Silence is needed for reflection sometimes, and since I let someone boil my blood and tempt me into turning into this raging (unnecessary) idiot, maybe this head cold was coincidentally timed well.
This I do know, though. Effectively controlling one’s impulsive emotions is an essential life skill that’s often learned the hard way.
On that note, I’ll close with this:
Know when to be quiet, but don’t let anyone take away your voice.
**She types while sipping tea with honey and lemon. Now she’s pausing to unwrap another cough drop.**
Hoping next week’s bad blog is less raspy. :P